Words Matter

I have often walked away from conversations replaying my words in my mind—wishing I had said something differently, or perhaps not said anything at all. Sometimes the words themselves weren’t overtly sinful, but they weren’t especially helpful either.  Scripture teaches us that words can hurt and heal. “Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing” (Proverbs 12:18). Jesus reminds us that our careless words matter because they reveal what is in our hearts (Matthew 12:34).
The consequences of words can be devastating; they can indeed hurt us (contrary to what the “sticks and stones” mantra claims). Even when we think our motives are pure, at times we can be blinded to our own selfishness, insincerity, or pride. Our challenge is to think through what we really mean when we use certain phrases, or to examine how it may be perceived by those who are listening. 

Let’s look at a few common expressions that we say, but may not have carefully considered. These phrases or sayings are not always wrong or sinful. However, depending on the context, the way we use them may be confusing, unhelpful, or even damaging. Instead, we want to use our words to build up, encourage, and give grace (Ephesians 4:29).  

The first expression to consider is “to be honest…”  As ambassadors of Christ, we should be known as people who are truthful. Our words should demonstrate integrity and sincerity. By saying “to be honest”, it can give the hearer the impression that in this particular instance we are being honest, but at other times we are not honest. Not only can it be confusing, but when we say this, it is sometimes followed by a harsh criticism or insensitive remark. Prefacing an observation with “to be honest” may be an attempt to make ourselves look better because it means that we think we are doing what is right, even if it may be hurtful.  For example, we might say “To be honest, the sermon was rather boring today.”  Rather than criticizing the sermon, we could say “I wasn’t as interested or engaged in the sermon.”  Or perhaps we can choose silence if our words are not ones that will build up. 

Next, let’s consider the phrase “Not that it matters, but…” This expression is also very confusing. If it doesn’t matter, then why are we saying it? Unfortunately sometimes when we use this phrase, what we are about to say is not gracious. Again, we try to soften our harsh words by adding a qualifier. For example, many times people will follow this expression with an unkind comment about someone’s appearance. It’s also common to use this expression to minimize a boastful statement.  For example,  “Not that it matters, but I finished that report and submitted it on the same day.” In this case, instead of bragging about our achievement, we could offer to help the other person. 

In light of what we have considered with the first two expressions, take a moment to think about the phrase “Just saying”. At best, this phrase is redundant.  People will know that we are “just saying” because …well…we just said it. This expression is frequently used to imply that our way is better. For example, “Our church does communion every week. Just sayin’.”  Or “I don’t let my kids do that. Just sayin’”. You can see that not only are these statements prideful, but they also don’t allow for further discussion. A better option is to invite others to offer their perspective. This shows that we are ready to listen humbly and carefully (James 1:19).

For each of these expressions, context matters. If you use one of these phrases in a casual conversation with a close friend, these can be humorous and light-hearted. When said in a face-to-face context, our facial expressions, body language, and tone can help to balance what we say so that the person understands our intent. If we are engaging with someone we don’t know as well or are using a written medium (text, email, social media), our words can be easily misunderstood. If there is something important that needs to be said, we can take the time to connect with the person in real time, in real life (or at least through a video call). 

I want you to know that I write for myself as much for you. The examples I used above are similar to things I have said. I often think back to what I have said and realize that it was said out of proud, selfish motives or was said in a way that was hurtful. I want to do better, but just changing what I say isn’t enough. As Matthew 12:34 says, our words are a reflection of what is in our hearts. If we want transformed speech, we need transformed hearts.  

One way to renew our hearts our our minds is to think on things that are glorifying to God. In Philippians 4:8,9 we are commanded to think about things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and excellent. Another helpful practice is to consider Ephesians 4:29: “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.”  We can ask ourselves, “Is what I said (or am about to say) something that will build up? Does it fit the occasion? Do it give grace to those who hear?”  

Ultimately, our words should adorn the gospel. As we read and study Scripture, we can look to its words to shape our communication. It is not easy to always say the right thing. We don’t always fully understand our own motives or desires behind what we say or do. The good news is that when we speak carelessly or selfishly, as we confess and repent, God will forgive us. In our striving to communicate clearly, accurately, and compassionately, we know that the Holy Spirit is working in us to be more and more like Christ each day. We can’t do this on our own, so we need to regularly pray:

 “Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.” (Psalm 19:14).