The Command to Parents We Overlook

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
Ephesians 6:1-4

What did you notice when you read the text of Ephesians 6:1-4? The command to children: “honor your father and mother” and the command to parents: “bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” probably stood out. 
 
But what about the command to parents that Paul gives before he says “bring them up”? He gives a negative command even before the positive command. But the negative part of this verse is sometimes overlooked. It is easy for us to see the “specks” in our children’s eyes when we are training them, but we may miss the “beams” in our own eyes (Matthew 7:3-5). 

As we examine our “beams” through the lens of Scripture, we can begin to understand how we may unintentionally provoke our children to anger. Our lack of discipline, our words, our quick reactions, and our busy schedules may be hindering our efforts to bring up our children in the Lord. 

Proverbs 22:15 explains that discipline helps a child see the foolishness of his actions. Consequences and instruction are a crucial part of bringing up our children in the Lord. So as we consider what it means to provoke our children to anger, it’s important to clarify that this doesn’t mean that we should never deny our children something they want or avoid doing something they won’t like. 

As Paul reminds us in Ephesians 4:29-32, our words should be gracious and kind. We should strive to speak encouraging and uplifting words whenever possible.  Do we only quote Scripture when our children have been disobedient or disrespectful? And when we reprimand them, do we also demonstrate forgiveness when they have shown a desire to change? Frequent reminders of the gospel, grace, and forgiveness are crucial aspects of parenting — for ourselves and for our children!

In addition to careful consideration of our words, it is also helpful to understand when it would be better to refrain from speaking. Proverbs 18:13 says “If a man gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.” Pausing, listening carefully, and even taking time to pray before we speak can prevent misunderstanding. Resisting the urge to instantly provide an answer shows patience and humility and reflects God’s character to our children.

Our words are important, but God’s words are even more important. In Deuteronomy 6:6-8, Moses tells the Israelites that they are to have God’s words in their heart and then they need to repeat them to their children throughout their daily routines. Learning about Scripture at church isn’t enough. If we neglect to talk about his Word on a daily basis, our children will have trouble understanding that Scripture is applicable to all aspects of our lives. Taking advantage of teaching moments during the course of the day is one way to provide consistent training in the Lord. 

Using windows of opportunity throughout the day is one way to incorporate God’s word into the rhythms of our lives. But it is also worthwhile to examine our schedules throughout the week. Do we set aside large chunks of time just to rest together as a family at home? Or are our schedules so full that we are rushing from one event to another? All our activities — sports, church ministry, clubs, music lessons — may be enjoyable and good. But when they crowd out the priorities of time with God and family, they become distractions from what is most important. 

These are some of the ways we may drift into habits that can provoke our children to anger. I am reminded of all the ways that we fell short in our parenting. We reacted in anger when we should have paused and prayed. We had seasons of busyness when dinner together at the table was a rare occasion. Sometimes I failed to see all the ways our kids were changing and growing more like Christ — and only focused on what they could do better. 

But we also know that neither our parenting nor our children’s salvation and growth in Christlikeness is dependent on our efforts. Jesus is the only perfect son — he lived a sinless life. Then he willingly suffered the punishment that we deserve. Jesus conquered sin and death once for all and was raised. It is in Jesus’ life, death, and resurrection that we have hope for our children and ourselves. 

The cross reminds us that we can turn to God in repentance when we realize we have done something to provoke our children to anger. And then we can turn to our children to ask for their forgiveness. We can demonstrate humility when we fail and show forgiveness and grace when our children fail.  

We are responsible to parent faithfully while relying on the transforming power of the Holy Spirit. But in the end, what our children need most is not perfect parents, but a perfect Savior.