Dating with Discernment

According to my focus group (my adult children and their friends), a blog on Christian dating would be helpful. So here I am — removed from the dating scene for almost thirty years — hoping to impart some meaningful, biblical wisdom to the younger generation.

As I started thinking about the advice I was given back in the olden days (the 1990s), I realized much of it either:

1. no longer applies because society has changed, or
2. was more harmful than helpful to begin with.
   
   

You know… purity rings, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, and never doing more than holding hands. 
Yeah. Let’s not go there.

So what does the Bible tell us about dating?

Well, apparently you should go to the nearest well and wait for someone who is willing to give you a drink and water your livestock. Also, before saying your wedding vows, double-check who is under the veil so you don’t marry the wrong sister.

Okay, that may not be helpful either. 

The reality is that the Bible does not give us a step-by-step guide for dating. What Scripture does give us are principles about wisdom, holiness, self-control, love, and spiritual maturity. And those principles are probably more helpful than a rigid formula anyway. 

So what is the goal of dating as a Christian?

I would suggest that the goal is to develop a relationship with the intention of discerning whether you want to pursue a lifelong marriage covenant together. That means Christian dating should be intentional, honest, and grounded in wisdom — not casual and directionless, but also not so intense that asking someone to coffee feels like a marriage proposal.

Here are some general biblical principles that may help you navigate life as a single Christian who desires be married. 

Make your relationship with God your first priority. (Matthew 22:37)No matter what your relationship status is, this is always the first priority. Read and study Scripture regularly. Pray often. Stay connected to a healthy Christian community. 

Grow spiritually because you love Christ — not merely because you are trying to become “marriage material.” A dating relationship can be a wonderful gift, but it makes a terrible savior. 

 Also, if your entire emotional stability collapses because someone took six hours to reply to your text message, that may be a sign that your heart needs a firmer foundation.

Find a godly mentor. (Proverbs 15:22)
Find a mature, married Christian who can help you apply biblical wisdom to your unique circumstances. 

Read Scripture together. Read a book on dating or marriage together. Ask questions. Let someone speak truth into your life.  And if you are dating someone, spend time together with other mature Christians occasionally. There may be problems that are obvious to others. 

Two excellent books you could consider reading with a mentor are Marry Wisely, Marry Well by Ernie Baker and Holding Hands, Holding Hearts by Richard and Sharon Phillips. 

Maintain open and direct communication. (Ephesians 4:15, 25, 29)

If you are in a relationship, speak honestly and humbly. If you are interested, communicate clearly. If concerns are developing, address them graciously. And if you are beginning to realize there are significant obstacles in the relationship, it is usually kinder to address those concerns early rather than slowly drifting into confusion and frustration. 

Truth spoken with grace is uncomfortable, but necessary.

Physical boundaries matter. (1 Thessalonians 4:3-5)
Keep at least four feet between you at all times and never be alone for more than one minute. Physical intimacy should be limited to looking into each other’s eyes deeply. 

…Just kidding.

Although you may think this is not an area of temptation for you, it is still worth being intentional. Physical involvement tends to move relationships faster than either person realizes, and it can create emotional confusion or unnecessary regret.

I know this from experience.

This is one area that should be discussed early in a relationship, not after things have already become complicated. Talk together about what wisdom, honor, and self-control look like for both of you.

You do not need to turn this into a legalistic rulebook with a detailed flowchart for every possible scenario. That is not the goal. But it is wise to have some shared understanding and to involve accountability. Consider sharing your convictions with trusted friends or family who can help you stay focused and honest.

A simple starting point many couples find helpful is this:
If you would not feel comfortable doing something in front of others, it is probably not something you should be doing alone.

No one is perfect. (Romans 3:23)
There is no such thing as Mr. Right, Prince Charming, or a soul-mate in the fairy-tale sense. Because he is a sinner.
Oh—and guess what? So are you.

It is wise to view the other person with a balanced perspective. He will not be perfect, so abundant grace and forgiveness will be needed in any godly relationship. At the same time, wisdom also pays attention. Character matters. Habits matter. Patterns matter. There are qualities that reflect normal human weakness—and there are patterns that may be genuine red flags worth taking seriously.

Grace and discernment are not opposites. In fact, they are both necessary if you are going to pursue a relationship that is grounded in truth rather than fantasy.

Make God the priority in the relationship. (1 Corinthians 10:31)
Wait a minute… didn’t we already talk about that? Yep.

Just as your relationship with God is the first priority when you are single, it is also the first priority when you are dating. Or engaged. Or married. Or breathing.

Your boyfriend, fiancé, or spouse cannot be the center of your life. God is the center of your life. When you try to place another person in that position, the relationship will eventually develop cracks.

This principle also applies beyond dating. It is easy for anyone to unintentionally reorder priorities — for example, parents placing children above God and above their marriage. Good and beautiful relationships become idols when they take the place that belongs to God alone.

When God is first, everything else is put in its proper place.

At the end of the day, Christian dating is not about finding a flawless person who completes you in every way (after all, we aren’t Disney princesses). It is about discerning, with wisdom and humility, whether you will commit to walk faithfully with another imperfect person toward a shared life of following Christ.

There will be no perfect system or guaranteed formula. There will, however, be Scripture, the Holy Spirit, wise counsel, honest communication, and a lot of grace.
​
And probably some awkward conversations along the way. But that is okay. Because God is not only interested in who you end up marrying—He is also deeply interested in who you are becoming in the process.