 So far we’ve looked at the foundation of gospel-centered friendship (Part 1) and practical examples of what that looks like (Part 2). Now we’ll finish our study of Colossians 3:12-17 as we strive to build friendships shaped by the gospel. Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. As we look at the final part of this passage, we see the overflow of relationships that have been built on compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience, and forgiveness. Each of these traits is motivated by love. Because God showed us love even when we didn’t deserve it, we can do the same. We can persevere in love even when relationships are difficult because we know that we are always loved by God. Love motivates and love unites. As we pursue friendships that are bound in unity, peace will be evident. This isn’t necessarily a pleasant feeling of calmness or lack of tension. Rather, it is referring to the peace that we have because we have been reconciled to God and to each other through the union we have with Christ. There will still be disagreements and tension along the way. We will still make wrong turns. But we know that even though the road has some bumps, we are on the same road, heading to the same destination. As we continuously reorient our focus on love and unity, we can find ways to show gratitude for our friendships and what God has done for us. Paul’s letters are filled with examples of how to show thankfulness:
Just as we saw with compassion, gentleness, and the other “put on” qualities in Colossians 3, thankfulness isn’t just a positive personality trait, or a pleasant feeling toward others. Thankfulness is evident through actions and words. We need to frequently and directly express our appreciation for our friends, what they do, and how they are growing in Christlikeness. We also need to talk to each other about what God has done for us and how God is working in our lives. As Colossians 3 explains, thankfulness can be demonstrated through singing together. Sometimes when relationships are hard, we don’t feel like being with those people. We may want to take time away from gathering together with them at church. But those are the times when we need each other the most. Those are the times when we need to worship together and remember the things that unite us. Through Christ, what unites us is stronger than what divides us. Ultimately, no relationship will fulfill us. And we can never be the perfect friend that someone else is looking for. The broken parts of friendships and the longing for something better remind us to look to Jesus. He is the friend of sinners. Jesus is the friend who gave his life for us. He understands our weaknesses. He never leaves us nor forsakes us. Jesus is compassionate, kind, humble, patient, and forgiving. Jesus is the love that unites us. He is the peace that rules in our hearts. Friendship shaped by the gospel isn’t about being the perfect friend. It begins and ends with following the perfect Friend.
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 Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. In Part 1 of our Friendship series, we looked at Colossians 3:12-17 and learned that the foundations of a gospel-centered, God-glorifying friendship (or any relationship) are already present in our lives. Because of who we are in Christ (chosen, holy, and beloved), it is possible for us to put into practice the qualities in the passage. Now, in Part 2 we will see what each of these look like amidst the messiness of real-life relationships.
Compassion Compassion means “to suffer with”. Compassion doesn’t stand at a distance, but steps into someone else’s pain. It isn’t just pity or feeling bad for someone. When the gospels tell us that Jesus had compassion on someone, we see that he took action to help the person (Luke 7:11-15; Matthew 14:14-21). Compassion can be seen in actions like praying with someone, offering a listening ear, or giving them a shoulder to cry on. Real compassion makes the time to spend with someone and moves towards someone in pain, not away from them. Kindness Kindness is the quality of being considerate and selfless in our interactions. It is not simply smiling and being friendly. When we see the word “kindness” in the Bible, we notice that it is an action that steps into someone else’s life for their good. David showed kindness to Mephibosheth (2 Samuel 9). The islanders showed kindness to Paul and his shipmates (Acts 28). Kindness is sharing what we have to help others. We can take a few extra minutes to pick up something at the store for a friend who is sick. We can send a text with an encouraging verse to someone who is struggling. Kindness costs something, even if it’s a small gesture. Humility Humility is the ability to understand ourselves clearly, especially in light of our own weaknesses and sinful tendencies. We consider others’ interests before our own (Philippians 2:3-4). This doesn’t mean we become doormats who never address a concern or voice our opinions. When we disagree with a friend or feel hurt, we remember that we are not perfect. It is important to pray and ask God to show us where we can change or be a better friend (Matthew 5:23-24; Galatians 6:1-4). Humility listens before it speaks and examines before it reacts. Gentleness Gentleness, or meekness, is not weakness. It is strength under control. Jesus, the Almighty Creator, describes himself as gentle in Matthew 11:28-31. When a friend is weary or burdened, we can point them to Jesus as the source of rest and comfort. If we need to correct a friend who is struggling with sin, we do this because we want to see them grow in Christlikeness. We approach them with care, humility, and a desire to restore them to an unhindered relationship with God and others. Gentleness speaks the truth in love and with care. Patience While compassion means to “suffer with”, patience means to “suffer long”. When we attempt to offer correction to a friend, they may not see their weaknesses or understand how they may have hurt us. If a friend is facing difficult circumstances that last a long time, can we “suffer long” with them? Whether it is a chronic health condition, a defiant child, a broken marriage, or difficulties at work, we need to be willing to listen and care for them as long as it takes. Patience doesn’t lose hope when nothing seems to change. Forgiveness Forgiveness is an expression of grace. We have been reconciled with God and we follow that same pattern by extending forgiveness to others. It will take time for someone to regain our trust, and we won’t automatically forget what happened. But we must be willing to forgive so that bitterness doesn’t grow in our lives. When we realize we have done something to hurt a friend, we should quickly admit our wrongdoing and take concrete actions to make things right. Forgiveness is an extension of humility. Compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience, and forgiveness are not easy. We will not be able to live these out perfectly. Our relationships will be messy and broken. But God redeems what is broken and uses our friendships for his glory and our good. When our friends aren’t patient or we fail to show kindness, we ask God and one other for forgiveness. Then we move forward in hope, knowing that in the new creation, we will live in perfect unity with God and one another. In the next post, we will look closely at the end of the Colossians 3:12-17 passage to see how love, unity, peace, and thankfulness shape gospel-centered friendships.  You had to cancel that coffee date with your friend. You stick to the safe subjects when you talk, because bringing up “that” topic didn’t go so well last time. You wondering if your last text came across as too distant…or too snarky…or you realize you forgot to answer at all. We’ve all been there. Friendship is hard. Busyness and tension pile up. So what do we do? What does it look like to maintain a gospel-centered friendship through thick and thin? Colossians 3:12-17 gives a clear picture of how to relate to one another. Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. This seems impossible, doesn’t it? These are tall orders: be compassionate, humble, patient, forgiving, thankful. Maybe it would be easier if we could just pick a couple and not worry about the rest. Except...I don’t think that is how it works! So, how do we do this?
Remember, God doesn’t give us commands that are impossible to follow. Even before we read the list of things to put on, we are reminded that we are chosen, holy, and beloved. We know that we can practice these things in our daily lives because God has already chosen and loved us. We are holy because of what God has done for us. Many of these traits are also found in the “fruit of the Spirit” passage in Galatians 5. They are commands that we must follow, and the reason we can do this is because the Spirit produces them in us. The heart transformation that begins when we first believe will continue to shape us more and more each day. God’s Word commands us to put on these traits. God’s Spirit produces them in us. And God’s Son lived out these traits. As we read the gospels, we see Jesus demonstrate these qualities through his words and his actions. By studying the gospels, we can learn from him as we seek to be obedient. We won’t do this perfectly like Jesus did. And our friends will mess up too. That’s why forgiveness is one of the traits! These commands are given to the believers in the Colossian church and they are written in the second person plural. In other words (for those who aren’t language nerds) Paul is saying ,“You all put on”. We are all expected to live out each of these traits. Before we look at how to practically implement these traits, it’s important to understand that these are not personality characteristics. Paul and the believers in Colossae did not have an Enneagram profile or a Meyers-Briggs personality test to figure out how to live in harmony with one another. He doesn’t instruct us to learn each other’s “love language”. The New Testament believers didn’t have these tools and we don’t need them to know how to love others well. Reading and studying Scripture (both personally and together) shapes how we build relationships. If we are shy, that is not an excuse to neglect compassion. If we are outgoing, we are still called to be humble and patient. We shouldn’t only pursue friendships with people who have similar personalities; we are meant to learn from one another. Notice that the thread that binds all these qualities together is love. Love for God and love for others makes each of these possible. Because we are united in him as his chosen ones, his love for us compels us to share that love with others. And in the end, he receives the glory and the thanks for all he does through our relationships with one another. So now that we’ve laid the foundation, we can get into what these look like in real life. This is where it gets practical…and personal. We’ll build more on these principles in the next Anchored Hope post. *If you don’t want to miss the next part of the Friendship series, you can sign up to get an email reminder. It’s free to subscribe!  Welcome to another Nerd Word adventure! This time we’re traveling to Mount Sinai to investigate the third “word” (or commandment) of Exodus 20. Along the way, we’ll learn a Hebrew word, admire the High Priest’s garments, and make a few surprising discoveries. At first glance, the third commandment seems straightforward: “You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain, for the LORD will not hold him guiltless who takes his name in vain.” Our first Hebrew word is nasa. It is usually translated as “take” or “misuse” in English Bibles, but in Hebrews it conveys the idea of lifting, carrying, or bearing. In other words, the commandment can be understood as a warning not to “bear” God’s name in a worthless or empty way. Traditionally, this is often explained as a prohibition against speaking God’s name in a flippant or disrespectful manner. But bearing God’s name is much more than just the words we say. To see this more clearly, let’s step into the tabernacle and see the High Priest’s garments. They would be worn once a year on the day of Atonement when the High Priest would enter the most sacred part of the tabernacle to offer a sacrifice in the presence of Yahweh. Engrave the names of the sons of Israel on the two stones the way a gem cutter engraves a seal. Then mount the stones in gold filigree settings. Fasten both stones on the shoulder pieces of the ephod as memorial stones for the sons of Israel. Aaron is to bear their names on his two shoulders as a memorial before the LORD. The phrase “bear their names” uses the same Hebrew word nasa as in the third commandment. In this case, the High Priest was literally carrying the names of the tribes of Israel that were engraved into stones. Each year when he offered the sacrifice on the day of atonement, he was bringing their names before God as a memorial. So the third commandment is not merely a warning to not say Yahweh’s name in an inappropriate way. While this certainly is one aspect of the instruction, we need to consider how we could “bear his name” in a way that would not be glorifying to him. First of all, the third commandment can’t be separated from the rest of the surrounding verses. Exodus 20 reminds us that Yahweh is the God who had delivered the Israelites from bondage to Pharaoh by sending a redeemer (Exodus 20:1). Because God had chosen the Israelites and redeemed them, they were to respond by acknowledging that He is the only true God and not to worship any other “god” (Exodus 20:3-5). So the first two commandments provide the foundation for how we understand and apply the third commandment. We can certainly say God’s name in a respectful, outwardly acceptable way…but if we are serving another “god”, we are bearing his name in a hypocritical, vain manner. “Well,” you say, “I don’t bow down to statues or offer sacrifices to those pagan gods. And I don’t say ‘golly’, ‘gosh’, ‘gee’, or any of those other words that sound like God. So I’m okay.” Well, not really. There are invisible idols that we like to set up in our lives. John Calvin famously said that our hearts are an “idol factory”. Take me for example…I struggle with gluttony (turning to food for comfort, satisfaction, and stress relief instead of finding ultimate delight in Yahweh). Food is an idol that I frequently try to put in God’s place. It promises so much, delivers temporary pleasure, and then leaves me empty and craving for more. Laziness. Money. Career. Affirmation from others. Our children’s success. Food, alcohol, drugs. Sleep. The idols just keep coming off the assembly line. We may have a list of the “forbidden” words, and we may never say them. But are we actually lifting up and bearing God’s name in vain? How do we nasa his name in a fruitful, wholehearted, and sincere manner? Well, to risk sounding like a broken record (if you even know what that is!)... the third commandment can’t be separated from the rest of the surrounding verses. So, to know how to bear his name, read (and follow!) the rest of the commandments. Here are a few practical implications of bearing God’s name as it is seen through faithful obedience to the ten “words”. Set aside time each week to worship the God whose name you bear. Honor your parents, just as you would honor Yahweh, your heavenly Father. Be honest and show integrity in your relationships and financial stewardship. Be content with what God has given you. In other words, love God (with all your heart, soul, and mind) and love others (Matthew 22:37-40). What an incredible responsibility and privilege we have to nasa God’s name before others and reflect his character in every area of our lives. We carry his name wherever we go. And we are not alone in this adventure!  By: Hannah Rech, me'ushar (Hebrew: happy, contented)We recently studied the book of Job in our ladies' Bible study group. As I worked through Lydia Brownback’s study on Job and reflected on our discussions, the Lord continually brought me back to two truths.
First, the book of Job teaches us that the way we listen to and respond to our suffering family in Christ is very important. It can be difficult to tell whether someone is “suffering well” or if they are sinning in response to their suffering. We often try to see into the person’s mind and heart to diagnose the problem or determine if they are in the wrong somehow. There are many verses in the Bible that talk about God knowing our hearts. I think specifically of 1 Samuel 16:7 where God tells the prophet Samuel that God sees not as man sees. Humans tend to look only at the things they can visually comprehend - the outside of people (in this case, it may be their actions, words, or responses to the suffering). It can be all too easy for us to look at a fellow believer who is suffering and compare their response to the way we think the person should respond to suffering. Maybe we think they should be praising God even in the suffering, thanking God, speaking about the positive, or correcting their sinful thought patterns. It is good to remind each other of the ways we should be walking. However, we must also be aware that there is a time and a place for everything and that we may not see the whole picture of what is going on inside the individual’s heart. We see with limits. The Lord sees everything. Jumping to the conclusion that a suffering friend’s thinking needs to be ‘fixed,’ or that a sin must immediately be corrected, can lead to even more pain. That may not be what is most needed in the moment. Instead, we should pray, asking the Lord to give us the humility to say, “I don’t see the whole picture. Help me rest knowing that you will help my friend whether it is here and now through what I can do or later through what You alone can do.” The second thing to be reminded of is the comfort that comes from considering God’s work in both the good and the evil in the world. One of our discussion questions made me realize that I needed to better understand and verbalize how Christians reconcile a good God with bad experiences. The beginning of the book of Job can often be hard to study as it depicts the influence the devil holds in our world. A key that I found helpful to consider was realizing that God didn’t do the evil to Job, he allowed Satan to bring pain and hurt into Job’s life. Now, to an individual whose relationship with the Father has not been repaired by believing in Jesus’ atoning sacrifice and repenting of sin, this can be terrifying. But as a child of God, His power over Satan’s influence on our lives can actually show how truly good He is. He loves his children. He faithfully sustains His children through every trial He allows (1 Corinthians 10:13). If He allows it into our story, He has a purpose for it. Although we may not know the specific purpose (just as the ending of Job doesn’t clarify for Job the why of the hardships he experienced), we can know with certainty the primary purpose of the suffering - it is for our good and for His glory (Romans 8:28). Nothing that enters the life of a believer is outside of God’s sovereign care and purpose. He knows exactly what we are experiencing and how it is growing us and will shape us. Through every trial, He is eagerly showing His character to us, which in turn will bring us to humble worship of Him and deepen our relationship. Even if this growth and peace appear after the hard times. Here’s one encouragement: if you see a fellow believer suffering and it doesn’t look the way you think it should, stop. Pray. Ask God to give you patience and humility. Remind yourself that He and He only knows their heart. And if they are a genuine child of his, he will restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish them— whether it is through the words you speak, the actions you offer, or some other way at a time you may never have chosen or ever get to see (1 Peter 5:6-11). You can be there, you can offer wisdom, you can help them learn how to better please God, but ultimately, they may just need you to be patiently present, to listen well, and to put your hand over your mouth while trusting God’s great love and character to speak for itself when the time is right. Bear with one another in love (Ephesians 4:1-3). And one final encouragement that follows what I learned from our discussion of Job is this: It’s ok if your suffering looks “ugly”. Even so, God does not reject you if you tell Him with all your emotions that the suffering is hard, that you don’t enjoy the pain you’re going through or the path you’re on, that you don’t understand what He’s doing or what you will learn because of it. You are free to do all of these things because, after openly talking to your father, you can recall that he chose each hard, evil thing for a purpose and He will comfort you, whether here on earth through knowledge of Him, His power, His plan of salvation, and His love for you, or someday in the new Jerusalem when He will have finished the work He started in you, one trial at a time.  You haven’t spoken with your best friend in several months because of a disagreement. Things at home feel tense after another argument with your spouse about how to handle discipline. Words were said in anger—words you can’t take back. Something needs to change. At some point, most relationships bring us to that place. When we recognize the need to repair what has been broken, we use the simplest and hardest words: I’m sorry. So let’s look at a few common ways we may apologize. I’m sorry, but I was really tired. My bad. I guess I messed up. I’m sorry if you felt insulted, I was only joking. I hope you realize that these are examples of how not to apologize! They do not demonstrate sincere, godly sorrow. If we say “I’m sorry, but….” we are adding an excuse that shows we really don’t feel we should be accountable for what we did or said. Saying “I’m sorry if…” means we aren’t really sure that we did something wrong. “My bad” may be appropriate for a minor, unintentional error. But when there is a serious problem to address, saying “My bad” makes the issue seem minimal, as if we just made a silly mistake. When we need to repair a relationship, phrases like these can come across as dismissive. They don’t truly acknowledge any wrongdoing on our part. They also show lack of desire to do the hard work to repair the relationship through sincere, lasting change. Lasting change is prompted by godly sorrow. In his letter to the Corinthians, Paul explains what godly sorrow looks like. As it is, I rejoice, not because you were grieved, but because you were grieved into repenting. For you felt a godly grief, so that you suffered no loss through us. For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death. For see what earnestness this godly grief has produced in you, but also what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what longing, what zeal, what punishment! At every point you have proved yourselves innocent in the matter. Godly sorrow leads to repentance. Repentance means we have had a change of mind or heart regarding our motives, thoughts, words, or actions. We recognize that we did something wrong and it distresses us. We aren’t upset only because the relationship has been affected, but we are also grieved because we recognize we have sinned against God (Psalm 51:3-4).
In addition, godly sorrow will produce earnestness and eagerness to make things right again. An apology driven by godly sorrow will express a heartfelt anguish for what we have done. It will clearly and directly state what the wrong was, and why it was wrong. We will humbly ask for forgiveness and explain how we would like to make it right. In the Mosaic law, when someone was making restitution for a wrongdoing, in some cases they were required to offer reparations equal to 120% of the value of what was stolen, damaged, or lost. While we may not be able to calculate a monetary value to the damage caused to a relationship, we can use this a a principle when considering how to demonstrate our change of heart. Based on these principles, here are some examples of apologies that show true godly sorrow and a change of heart: I’m so sorry, I was wrong when I made that comment. I know that was hurtful and I was being selfish. What can I do to make it right? Yesterday, I was really tired, but that is no excuse. I should not have snapped at you and should have been more patient. I am sorry for the way I treated you. Will you pray with me to ask God to help me be more patient? So before we say “I’m sorry,” we need to pray and ask God to show us how our motives and sinful desires prompted us to act or speak the way we did. And then we will confess that to the person we have wronged. True repentance will include a desire and a concrete plan for doing better in the future. Repentance and godly sorrow will lead us to be transparent and may leave us vulnerable, but it can lead to renewed trust and strengthen the relationship. See also: Words Matter  According to my focus group (my adult children and their friends), a blog on Christian dating would be helpful. So here I am — removed from the dating scene for almost thirty years — hoping to impart some meaningful, biblical wisdom to the younger generation.
As I started thinking about the advice I was given back in the olden days (the 1990s), I realized much of it either:
Yeah. Let’s not go there. So what does the Bible tell us about dating? Well, apparently you should go to the nearest well and wait for someone who is willing to give you a drink and water your livestock. Also, before saying your wedding vows, double-check who is under the veil so you don’t marry the wrong sister. Okay, that may not be helpful either. The reality is that the Bible does not give us a step-by-step guide for dating. What Scripture does give us are principles about wisdom, holiness, self-control, love, and spiritual maturity. And those principles are probably more helpful than a rigid formula anyway. So what is the goal of dating as a Christian? I would suggest that the goal is to develop a relationship with the intention of discerning whether you want to pursue a lifelong marriage covenant together. That means Christian dating should be intentional, honest, and grounded in wisdom — not casual and directionless, but also not so intense that asking someone to coffee feels like a marriage proposal. Here are some general biblical principles that may help you navigate life as a single Christian who desires be married. Make your relationship with God your first priority. (Matthew 22:37)No matter what your relationship status is, this is always the first priority. Read and study Scripture regularly. Pray often. Stay connected to a healthy Christian community. Grow spiritually because you love Christ — not merely because you are trying to become “marriage material.” A dating relationship can be a wonderful gift, but it makes a terrible savior. Also, if your entire emotional stability collapses because someone took six hours to reply to your text message, that may be a sign that your heart needs a firmer foundation. Find a godly mentor. (Proverbs 15:22) Find a mature, married Christian who can help you apply biblical wisdom to your unique circumstances. Read Scripture together. Read a book on dating or marriage together. Ask questions. Let someone speak truth into your life. And if you are dating someone, spend time together with other mature Christians occasionally. There may be problems that are obvious to others. Two excellent books you could consider reading with a mentor are Marry Wisely, Marry Well by Ernie Baker and Holding Hands, Holding Hearts by Richard and Sharon Phillips. Maintain open and direct communication. (Ephesians 4:15, 25, 29) If you are in a relationship, speak honestly and humbly. If you are interested, communicate clearly. If concerns are developing, address them graciously. And if you are beginning to realize there are significant obstacles in the relationship, it is usually kinder to address those concerns early rather than slowly drifting into confusion and frustration. Truth spoken with grace is uncomfortable, but necessary. Physical boundaries matter. (1 Thessalonians 4:3-5) Keep at least four feet between you at all times and never be alone for more than one minute. Physical intimacy should be limited to looking into each other’s eyes deeply. …Just kidding. Although you may think this is not an area of temptation for you, it is still worth being intentional. Physical involvement tends to move relationships faster than either person realizes, and it can create emotional confusion or unnecessary regret. I know this from experience. This is one area that should be discussed early in a relationship, not after things have already become complicated. Talk together about what wisdom, honor, and self-control look like for both of you. You do not need to turn this into a legalistic rulebook with a detailed flowchart for every possible scenario. That is not the goal. But it is wise to have some shared understanding and to involve accountability. Consider sharing your convictions with trusted friends or family who can help you stay focused and honest. A simple starting point many couples find helpful is this: If you would not feel comfortable doing something in front of others, it is probably not something you should be doing alone. No one is perfect. (Romans 3:23) There is no such thing as Mr. Right, Prince Charming, or a soul-mate in the fairy-tale sense. Because he is a sinner. Oh—and guess what? So are you. It is wise to view the other person with a balanced perspective. He will not be perfect, so abundant grace and forgiveness will be needed in any godly relationship. At the same time, wisdom also pays attention. Character matters. Habits matter. Patterns matter. There are qualities that reflect normal human weakness—and there are patterns that may be genuine red flags worth taking seriously. Grace and discernment are not opposites. In fact, they are both necessary if you are going to pursue a relationship that is grounded in truth rather than fantasy. Make God the priority in the relationship. (1 Corinthians 10:31) Wait a minute… didn’t we already talk about that? Yep. Just as your relationship with God is the first priority when you are single, it is also the first priority when you are dating. Or engaged. Or married. Or breathing. Your boyfriend, fiancé, or spouse cannot be the center of your life. God is the center of your life. When you try to place another person in that position, the relationship will eventually develop cracks. This principle also applies beyond dating. It is easy for anyone to unintentionally reorder priorities — for example, parents placing children above God and above their marriage. Good and beautiful relationships become idols when they take the place that belongs to God alone. When God is first, everything else is put in its proper place. At the end of the day, Christian dating is not about finding a flawless person who completes you in every way (after all, we aren’t Disney princesses). It is about discerning, with wisdom and humility, whether you will commit to walk faithfully with another imperfect person toward a shared life of following Christ. There will be no perfect system or guaranteed formula. There will, however, be Scripture, the Holy Spirit, wise counsel, honest communication, and a lot of grace. And probably some awkward conversations along the way. But that is okay. Because God is not only interested in who you end up marrying—He is also deeply interested in who you are becoming in the process.  Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.
Matthew 11:28–30 These verses can be very confusing at first. At one level, they are comforting because Jesus says he will give us rest. But he also says to take his yoke, which is something that represents hard labor or oppression. A pair of oxen would be yoked together to plow a field. In the Old Testament, King Rehoboam threatened his subjects with a yoke of hard work (1 Kings 12:11). So how do we reconcile Jesus’ promise to give us rest when he follows that with the imagery of a yoke? We could misunderstand Jesus’ words as a call merely to slow down and take better care of ourselves. We might think the answer to our weariness is to declutter our lives, reduce expectations, practice mindfulness, and seek a calmer, more comfortable life. But these verses aren’t meant to encourage us to find ways to relieve stress and balance our lives. This misapplication takes the verses out of context and strips them of the rich lessons that Jesus intended by these words. In Matthew 11:20-24, Jesus denounces various cities for their lack of repentance. They had heard his words and seen his miracles, yet the people hadn’t changed. Instead of putting on sackcloth and ashes to mourn their sin, they continued to live in pride and would face judgment. Then in verses 25-27, Jesus explains that the Father and the Son reveal themselves to little children. And following verse 28, we see two accounts of the Pharisees complaining about Jesus and his disciples doing something on the Sabbath which was not lawful. The Pharisees had made rule-keeping the center of their religion, but had forgotten about compassion and mercy towards others. Jesus makes it clear that their Sabbath rules had drifted from the true meaning of the Sabbath and rest. So as we contemplate verses 28-30, we see that Jesus is contrasting those who come to him and rest in him with those who do not repent or burden themselves with perfectionistic standards. These two extremes are still seen today. We may refuse to deal with entrenched sins like bitterness, gluttony, laziness, or pride. Or we may be following standards we have imposed on ourselves that we think will earn us favor with God. For example, reading a certain number of Bible chapters each day and praying for every person on the church prayer list. Or never drinking alcohol, playing cards, or getting a tattoo. And making sure that others know that we never do these things. Neither of these extremes will save us from the judgment to come. And so, Jesus shows us the better way. He says, “Come to me.” If we are laboring and weary from trying to deny and hide our sin, come to him. If we are heavy laden by all the extra rules we are trying to carry, come to him. Jesus will give us rest. The rest that Jesus gives is a soul-rest. We can put off the yoke that we have made for ourselves. And we can put on his yoke instead. Yes, we will still be yoked — but we will be yoked to him! He will be beside us, helping us stay on the right path. With his yoke on, we won’t fall into the ditches of unrepentance or works-based self-righteousness. He will keep us on the path that leads to rest for our souls. But there’s more! Jesus doesn’t just give us instruction, he tells us why we should do this. He anchors his command to who he is and his character. We should take his yoke and we will find rest because Jesus is gentle and lowly.* He asks us to come to him, and he draws us to him. Jesus moves towards those who are struggling with sin and suffering. He knows our weaknesses because he was willing to enter into this world as a human. After living a perfect life, he took the heaviest yoke of all by taking up the cross and the weight of all the sins of all who believe in him. He did this for the “joy that was set before him” (Hebrews 12:1-2). What was the joy he was looking for? The joy of welcoming undeserving sinners into eternal life and rest with him. Soul-rest isn’t about working harder or ignoring our sin. It isn’t achieved by scheduling a spa day. It’s about looking at Jesus. Yes, Jesus’ yoke is light. But this doesn’t mean that obedience is optional. The yoke is easy and light, but if we try to do things our own way, we will chafe from pulling in the wrong direction. Jesus will always do what is needed to bring us back. And that is when we will find the yoke easy and light. The question is, are you yoked with Jesus? True soul-rest is found in a relationship with him. Come, and he will give you rest. His yoke is easy and his burden is light because he is walking with you. *In his books, Gentle and Lowly and The Heart of Jesus, Dane Ortlund gives a multi-faceted picture of who Jesus is and shows us his heart for sinners. See also: From the Mercy Seat to Christ  I have often walked away from conversations replaying my words in my mind—wishing I had said something differently, or perhaps not said anything at all. Sometimes the words themselves weren’t overtly sinful, but they weren’t especially helpful either. Scripture teaches us that words can hurt and heal. “Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing” (Proverbs 12:18). Jesus reminds us that our careless words matter because they reveal what is in our hearts (Matthew 12:34).
The consequences of words can be devastating; they can indeed hurt us (contrary to what the “sticks and stones” mantra claims). Even when we think our motives are pure, at times we can be blinded to our own selfishness, insincerity, or pride. Our challenge is to think through what we really mean when we use certain phrases, or to examine how it may be perceived by those who are listening. Let’s look at a few common expressions that we say, but may not have carefully considered. These phrases or sayings are not always wrong or sinful. However, depending on the context, the way we use them may be confusing, unhelpful, or even damaging. Instead, we want to use our words to build up, encourage, and give grace (Ephesians 4:29). The first expression to consider is “to be honest…” As ambassadors of Christ, we should be known as people who are truthful. Our words should demonstrate integrity and sincerity. By saying “to be honest”, it can give the hearer the impression that in this particular instance we are being honest, but at other times we are not honest. Not only can it be confusing, but when we say this, it is sometimes followed by a harsh criticism or insensitive remark. Prefacing an observation with “to be honest” may be an attempt to make ourselves look better because it means that we think we are doing what is right, even if it may be hurtful. For example, we might say “To be honest, the sermon was rather boring today.” Rather than criticizing the sermon, we could say “I wasn’t as interested or engaged in the sermon.” Or perhaps we can choose silence if our words are not ones that will build up. Next, let’s consider the phrase “Not that it matters, but…” This expression is also very confusing. If it doesn’t matter, then why are we saying it? Unfortunately sometimes when we use this phrase, what we are about to say is not gracious. Again, we try to soften our harsh words by adding a qualifier. For example, many times people will follow this expression with an unkind comment about someone’s appearance. It’s also common to use this expression to minimize a boastful statement. For example, “Not that it matters, but I finished that report and submitted it on the same day.” In this case, instead of bragging about our achievement, we could offer to help the other person. In light of what we have considered with the first two expressions, take a moment to think about the phrase “Just saying”. At best, this phrase is redundant. People will know that we are “just saying” because …well…we just said it. This expression is frequently used to imply that our way is better. For example, “Our church does communion every week. Just sayin’.” Or “I don’t let my kids do that. Just sayin’”. You can see that not only are these statements prideful, but they also don’t allow for further discussion. A better option is to invite others to offer their perspective. This shows that we are ready to listen humbly and carefully (James 1:19). For each of these expressions, context matters. If you use one of these phrases in a casual conversation with a close friend, these can be humorous and light-hearted. When said in a face-to-face context, our facial expressions, body language, and tone can help to balance what we say so that the person understands our intent. If we are engaging with someone we don’t know as well or are using a written medium (text, email, social media), our words can be easily misunderstood. If there is something important that needs to be said, we can take the time to connect with the person in real time, in real life (or at least through a video call). I want you to know that I write for myself as much for you. The examples I used above are similar to things I have said. I often think back to what I have said and realize that it was said out of proud, selfish motives or was said in a way that was hurtful. I want to do better, but just changing what I say isn’t enough. As Matthew 12:34 says, our words are a reflection of what is in our hearts. If we want transformed speech, we need transformed hearts. One way to renew our hearts our our minds is to think on things that are glorifying to God. In Philippians 4:8,9 we are commanded to think about things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and excellent. Another helpful practice is to consider Ephesians 4:29: “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” We can ask ourselves, “Is what I said (or am about to say) something that will build up? Does it fit the occasion? Do it give grace to those who hear?” Ultimately, our words should adorn the gospel. As we read and study Scripture, we can look to its words to shape our communication. It is not easy to always say the right thing. We don’t always fully understand our own motives or desires behind what we say or do. The good news is that when we speak carelessly or selfishly, as we confess and repent, God will forgive us. In our striving to communicate clearly, accurately, and compassionately, we know that the Holy Spirit is working in us to be more and more like Christ each day. We can’t do this on our own, so we need to regularly pray: “Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.” (Psalm 19:14).  Social media “memories” are great, aren’t they? We laugh at the funny picture of our pets, feel nostalgic at photos from our kids’ sporting events, and give thanks for the many memories from a vacation. Or we may cringe because of something we wish we hadn’t posted. It might be a meme that insulted someone or a video that made fun of someone’s misfortune. We may have complained about a minor inconvenience. And what about the quick replies —or extended debates — we left on other people’s posts? We can delete some of our words from social media, yet it’s difficult to erase the impressions they leave on those who read them. As we seek to be good ambassadors for Christ, we can use Galatians 5:19-23 as a framework to put off unbiblical communication and put on Christlike interactions. Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. As Paul writes to the Galatians about the conflict between desires of the flesh and desires of the Spirit, he explains that it will be evident which of these are ruling us. Desires of the flesh will result in the list of “works” in verses 19-21. Most of the actions in these verses are commonly seen in interactions on social media. They can either be the reason why we post or share something — or they can be the outcome of an interaction. Paul firmly and directly warns that these are not appropriate for the citizens of God’s kingdom.
Before we interact on social media, it would be helpful to pray through each of the items in verses 20 and 21. We don’t always understand our own hearts, but the Holy Spirit is our Helper and Advocate. As we humbly approach God, we can ask him to make it clear to us if what we are about to say is motivated by any of these fleshly desires. There have been many times when I look back at something I had written on social media and realized the selfish or spiteful impulses that caused me to say something hurtful. It shows wisdom and humility if we take a few minutes — or days — to carefully consider our words before we post. But Paul doesn’t just warn us and leave us discouraged about our fleshly attitudes and actions. He reminds us that we can exhibit the fruit of the Spirit! Before we look at the evidence of the Spirit, let’s pause to notice that Paul doesn’t say that the qualities in verses 22-23 are “works” of the Spirit. We cannot manufacture the fruit on our own because they are the Spirit’s fruit. The Spirit produces this fruit in our lives because believers are filled by the Spirit at the moment we are saved. We are responsible to put off the works of the flesh and move forward in obedience — but we do not rely only on our efforts. The Spirit progressively shapes us to be more like Christ. Before we type, we can consider if our words truly reflect the fruit of the Spirit. Are my words motivated by love for God and others? Will this post show the joy and peace that I have through Christ? Is this comment or meme kind and gentle? If I were speaking in person, would I say this? When I take time to pray first, I am thankful that the Holy Spirit helps me to rephrase my words — or refrain from saying anything at all! It isn’t easy to know what fleshly desires lie behind our words. We will often choose attitudes and actions that do not reflect the fruit of the Spirit. There is only one person who perfectly exhibited the fruit of the Spirit. Christ’s motivations, words, and actions always displayed the character of God. But he is more than just a good teacher or role model. He willingly chose to take on himself the burden of all our sins. In exchange, he has given to us his righteousness. In Christ, God sees us as if we had never sinned. That includes every unkind rant, off-color meme, and impetuous comment we have shared! When we fail to demonstrate the fruit of the Spirit, and turn to him in humble repentance, he forgives us. The assurance of forgiveness from our heavenly Father should also spur us to seek reconciliation with others. It isn’t possible or wise to try to reconcile with every person who has been affected by our words. But as you pray, ask God to show you whether there is someone you could reach out to. Humbly acknowledging how you hurt them and demonstrating that you want to make it right can be a difficult yet healing process. We are also called to extend forgiveness to others. We can be understanding and forgiving because we know that we are not without fault. When someone else posts or comments something that was hurtful or made us angry — instead of responding in kind, we can choose to show them a glimpse of how God’s love and mercy works. We can overlook the offense or we can reply with a gracious word or encouraging verse. The situation may sometimes warrant a face-to-face conversation — after prayerfully considering how to proceed. Our fleshly desires may lead us to post hastily, but Scripture shows us a better way. By pausing, reflecting on the fruit of the Spirit, and praying before we post, we allow God to guide our words and interactions. Christ’s forgiveness frees us to extend patience, gentleness, and grace to others—even online. Next time you’re about to share, comment, or post, pause, pray, then post (or don’t!). Let your words reflect God’s character, build up others, and honor Him in every interaction. |
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