Before You Say “I’m Sorry”

You haven’t spoken with your best friend in several months because of a disagreement. 

Things at home feel tense after another argument with your spouse about how to handle discipline. 

Words were said in anger—words you can’t take back.

Something needs to change. At some point, most relationships bring us to that place. When we recognize the need to repair what has been broken, we use the simplest and hardest words: I’m sorry.
​
So let’s look at a few common ways we may apologize. 

I’m sorry, but I was really tired. 
My bad. I guess I messed up.
I’m sorry if you felt insulted, I was only joking. 

I hope you realize that these are examples of how not to apologize! They do not demonstrate sincere, godly sorrow. 

If we say “I’m sorry, but….”  we are adding an excuse that shows we really don’t feel we should be accountable for what we did or said.  Saying “I’m sorry if…” means we aren’t really sure that we did something wrong.  “My bad” may be appropriate for a minor, unintentional error. But when there is a serious problem to address, saying “My bad” makes the issue seem minimal, as if we just made a silly mistake. 

When we need to repair a relationship, phrases like these can come across as dismissive. They don’t truly acknowledge any wrongdoing on our part. They also show lack of desire to do the hard work to repair the relationship through sincere, lasting change.

Lasting change is prompted by godly sorrow. In his letter to the Corinthians, Paul explains what godly sorrow looks like. 

As it is, I rejoice, not because you were grieved, but because you were grieved into repenting. For you felt a godly grief, so that you suffered no loss through us. For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death. For see what earnestness this godly grief has     produced in you, but also what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what longing, what zeal, what punishment! At every point you have proved yourselves innocent in the matter.
2 Corinthians 7:9-11

Godly sorrow leads to repentance. Repentance means we have had a change of mind or heart regarding our motives, thoughts, words, or actions. We recognize that we did something wrong and it distresses us. We aren’t upset only because the relationship has been affected, but we are also grieved because we recognize we have sinned against God (Psalm 51:3-4).

In addition, godly sorrow will produce earnestness and eagerness to make things right again. 
An apology driven by godly sorrow will express a heartfelt anguish for what we have done. It will clearly and directly state what the wrong was, and why it was wrong. We will humbly ask for forgiveness and explain how we would like to make it right. 

In the Mosaic law, when someone was making restitution for a wrongdoing, in some cases they were required to offer reparations equal to 120% of the value of what was stolen, damaged, or lost.  While we may not be able to calculate a monetary value to the damage caused to a relationship, we can use this a a principle when considering how to demonstrate our change of heart. 

Based on these principles, here are some examples of apologies that show true godly sorrow and a change of heart:

I’m so sorry, I was wrong when I made that comment. I know that was hurtful and I was being selfish. What can I do to make it right?

Yesterday, I was really tired, but that is no excuse. I should not have snapped at you and should have been more patient. I am sorry for the way I treated you.  Will you pray with me to ask God to help me be more patient?

So before we say “I’m sorry,” we need to pray and ask God to show us how our motives and sinful desires prompted us to act or speak the way we did. And then we will confess that to the person we have wronged. True repentance will include a desire and a concrete plan for doing better in the future. 
Repentance and godly sorrow will lead us to be transparent and may leave us vulnerable, but it can lead to renewed trust and strengthen the relationship. 


See also:  Words Matter