 So far we’ve looked at the foundation of gospel-centered friendship (Part 1) and practical examples of what that looks like (Part 2). Now we’ll finish our study of Colossians 3:12-17 as we strive to build friendships shaped by the gospel. Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. As we look at the final part of this passage, we see the overflow of relationships that have been built on compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience, and forgiveness. Each of these traits is motivated by love. Because God showed us love even when we didn’t deserve it, we can do the same. We can persevere in love even when relationships are difficult because we know that we are always loved by God. Love motivates and love unites. As we pursue friendships that are bound in unity, peace will be evident. This isn’t necessarily a pleasant feeling of calmness or lack of tension. Rather, it is referring to the peace that we have because we have been reconciled to God and to each other through the union we have with Christ. There will still be disagreements and tension along the way. We will still make wrong turns. But we know that even though the road has some bumps, we are on the same road, heading to the same destination. As we continuously reorient our focus on love and unity, we can find ways to show gratitude for our friendships and what God has done for us. Paul’s letters are filled with examples of how to show thankfulness:
Just as we saw with compassion, gentleness, and the other “put on” qualities in Colossians 3, thankfulness isn’t just a positive personality trait, or a pleasant feeling toward others. Thankfulness is evident through actions and words. We need to frequently and directly express our appreciation for our friends, what they do, and how they are growing in Christlikeness. We also need to talk to each other about what God has done for us and how God is working in our lives. As Colossians 3 explains, thankfulness can be demonstrated through singing together. Sometimes when relationships are hard, we don’t feel like being with those people. We may want to take time away from gathering together with them at church. But those are the times when we need each other the most. Those are the times when we need to worship together and remember the things that unite us. Through Christ, what unites us is stronger than what divides us. Ultimately, no relationship will fulfill us. And we can never be the perfect friend that someone else is looking for. The broken parts of friendships and the longing for something better remind us to look to Jesus. He is the friend of sinners. Jesus is the friend who gave his life for us. He understands our weaknesses. He never leaves us nor forsakes us. Jesus is compassionate, kind, humble, patient, and forgiving. Jesus is the love that unites us. He is the peace that rules in our hearts. Friendship shaped by the gospel isn’t about being the perfect friend. It begins and ends with following the perfect Friend.
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 Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. In Part 1 of our Friendship series, we looked at Colossians 3:12-17 and learned that the foundations of a gospel-centered, God-glorifying friendship (or any relationship) are already present in our lives. Because of who we are in Christ (chosen, holy, and beloved), it is possible for us to put into practice the qualities in the passage. Now, in Part 2 we will see what each of these look like amidst the messiness of real-life relationships.
Compassion Compassion means “to suffer with”. Compassion doesn’t stand at a distance, but steps into someone else’s pain. It isn’t just pity or feeling bad for someone. When the gospels tell us that Jesus had compassion on someone, we see that he took action to help the person (Luke 7:11-15; Matthew 14:14-21). Compassion can be seen in actions like praying with someone, offering a listening ear, or giving them a shoulder to cry on. Real compassion makes the time to spend with someone and moves towards someone in pain, not away from them. Kindness Kindness is the quality of being considerate and selfless in our interactions. It is not simply smiling and being friendly. When we see the word “kindness” in the Bible, we notice that it is an action that steps into someone else’s life for their good. David showed kindness to Mephibosheth (2 Samuel 9). The islanders showed kindness to Paul and his shipmates (Acts 28). Kindness is sharing what we have to help others. We can take a few extra minutes to pick up something at the store for a friend who is sick. We can send a text with an encouraging verse to someone who is struggling. Kindness costs something, even if it’s a small gesture. Humility Humility is the ability to understand ourselves clearly, especially in light of our own weaknesses and sinful tendencies. We consider others’ interests before our own (Philippians 2:3-4). This doesn’t mean we become doormats who never address a concern or voice our opinions. When we disagree with a friend or feel hurt, we remember that we are not perfect. It is important to pray and ask God to show us where we can change or be a better friend (Matthew 5:23-24; Galatians 6:1-4). Humility listens before it speaks and examines before it reacts. Gentleness Gentleness, or meekness, is not weakness. It is strength under control. Jesus, the Almighty Creator, describes himself as gentle in Matthew 11:28-31. When a friend is weary or burdened, we can point them to Jesus as the source of rest and comfort. If we need to correct a friend who is struggling with sin, we do this because we want to see them grow in Christlikeness. We approach them with care, humility, and a desire to restore them to an unhindered relationship with God and others. Gentleness speaks the truth in love and with care. Patience While compassion means to “suffer with”, patience means to “suffer long”. When we attempt to offer correction to a friend, they may not see their weaknesses or understand how they may have hurt us. If a friend is facing difficult circumstances that last a long time, can we “suffer long” with them? Whether it is a chronic health condition, a defiant child, a broken marriage, or difficulties at work, we need to be willing to listen and care for them as long as it takes. Patience doesn’t lose hope when nothing seems to change. Forgiveness Forgiveness is an expression of grace. We have been reconciled with God and we follow that same pattern by extending forgiveness to others. It will take time for someone to regain our trust, and we won’t automatically forget what happened. But we must be willing to forgive so that bitterness doesn’t grow in our lives. When we realize we have done something to hurt a friend, we should quickly admit our wrongdoing and take concrete actions to make things right. Forgiveness is an extension of humility. Compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience, and forgiveness are not easy. We will not be able to live these out perfectly. Our relationships will be messy and broken. But God redeems what is broken and uses our friendships for his glory and our good. When our friends aren’t patient or we fail to show kindness, we ask God and one other for forgiveness. Then we move forward in hope, knowing that in the new creation, we will live in perfect unity with God and one another. In the next post, we will look closely at the end of the Colossians 3:12-17 passage to see how love, unity, peace, and thankfulness shape gospel-centered friendships.  You had to cancel that coffee date with your friend. You stick to the safe subjects when you talk, because bringing up “that” topic didn’t go so well last time. You wondering if your last text came across as too distant…or too snarky…or you realize you forgot to answer at all. We’ve all been there. Friendship is hard. Busyness and tension pile up. So what do we do? What does it look like to maintain a gospel-centered friendship through thick and thin? Colossians 3:12-17 gives a clear picture of how to relate to one another. Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. This seems impossible, doesn’t it? These are tall orders: be compassionate, humble, patient, forgiving, thankful. Maybe it would be easier if we could just pick a couple and not worry about the rest. Except...I don’t think that is how it works! So, how do we do this?
Remember, God doesn’t give us commands that are impossible to follow. Even before we read the list of things to put on, we are reminded that we are chosen, holy, and beloved. We know that we can practice these things in our daily lives because God has already chosen and loved us. We are holy because of what God has done for us. Many of these traits are also found in the “fruit of the Spirit” passage in Galatians 5. They are commands that we must follow, and the reason we can do this is because the Spirit produces them in us. The heart transformation that begins when we first believe will continue to shape us more and more each day. God’s Word commands us to put on these traits. God’s Spirit produces them in us. And God’s Son lived out these traits. As we read the gospels, we see Jesus demonstrate these qualities through his words and his actions. By studying the gospels, we can learn from him as we seek to be obedient. We won’t do this perfectly like Jesus did. And our friends will mess up too. That’s why forgiveness is one of the traits! These commands are given to the believers in the Colossian church and they are written in the second person plural. In other words (for those who aren’t language nerds) Paul is saying ,“You all put on”. We are all expected to live out each of these traits. Before we look at how to practically implement these traits, it’s important to understand that these are not personality characteristics. Paul and the believers in Colossae did not have an Enneagram profile or a Meyers-Briggs personality test to figure out how to live in harmony with one another. He doesn’t instruct us to learn each other’s “love language”. The New Testament believers didn’t have these tools and we don’t need them to know how to love others well. Reading and studying Scripture (both personally and together) shapes how we build relationships. If we are shy, that is not an excuse to neglect compassion. If we are outgoing, we are still called to be humble and patient. We shouldn’t only pursue friendships with people who have similar personalities; we are meant to learn from one another. Notice that the thread that binds all these qualities together is love. Love for God and love for others makes each of these possible. Because we are united in him as his chosen ones, his love for us compels us to share that love with others. And in the end, he receives the glory and the thanks for all he does through our relationships with one another. So now that we’ve laid the foundation, we can get into what these look like in real life. This is where it gets practical…and personal. We’ll build more on these principles in the next Anchored Hope post. *If you don’t want to miss the next part of the Friendship series, you can sign up to get an email reminder. It’s free to subscribe!  Welcome to another Nerd Word adventure! This time we’re traveling to Mount Sinai to investigate the third “word” (or commandment) of Exodus 20. Along the way, we’ll learn a Hebrew word, admire the High Priest’s garments, and make a few surprising discoveries. At first glance, the third commandment seems straightforward: “You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain, for the LORD will not hold him guiltless who takes his name in vain.” Our first Hebrew word is nasa. It is usually translated as “take” or “misuse” in English Bibles, but in Hebrews it conveys the idea of lifting, carrying, or bearing. In other words, the commandment can be understood as a warning not to “bear” God’s name in a worthless or empty way. Traditionally, this is often explained as a prohibition against speaking God’s name in a flippant or disrespectful manner. But bearing God’s name is much more than just the words we say. To see this more clearly, let’s step into the tabernacle and see the High Priest’s garments. They would be worn once a year on the day of Atonement when the High Priest would enter the most sacred part of the tabernacle to offer a sacrifice in the presence of Yahweh. Engrave the names of the sons of Israel on the two stones the way a gem cutter engraves a seal. Then mount the stones in gold filigree settings. Fasten both stones on the shoulder pieces of the ephod as memorial stones for the sons of Israel. Aaron is to bear their names on his two shoulders as a memorial before the LORD. The phrase “bear their names” uses the same Hebrew word nasa as in the third commandment. In this case, the High Priest was literally carrying the names of the tribes of Israel that were engraved into stones. Each year when he offered the sacrifice on the day of atonement, he was bringing their names before God as a memorial. So the third commandment is not merely a warning to not say Yahweh’s name in an inappropriate way. While this certainly is one aspect of the instruction, we need to consider how we could “bear his name” in a way that would not be glorifying to him. First of all, the third commandment can’t be separated from the rest of the surrounding verses. Exodus 20 reminds us that Yahweh is the God who had delivered the Israelites from bondage to Pharaoh by sending a redeemer (Exodus 20:1). Because God had chosen the Israelites and redeemed them, they were to respond by acknowledging that He is the only true God and not to worship any other “god” (Exodus 20:3-5). So the first two commandments provide the foundation for how we understand and apply the third commandment. We can certainly say God’s name in a respectful, outwardly acceptable way…but if we are serving another “god”, we are bearing his name in a hypocritical, vain manner. “Well,” you say, “I don’t bow down to statues or offer sacrifices to those pagan gods. And I don’t say ‘golly’, ‘gosh’, ‘gee’, or any of those other words that sound like God. So I’m okay.” Well, not really. There are invisible idols that we like to set up in our lives. John Calvin famously said that our hearts are an “idol factory”. Take me for example…I struggle with gluttony (turning to food for comfort, satisfaction, and stress relief instead of finding ultimate delight in Yahweh). Food is an idol that I frequently try to put in God’s place. It promises so much, delivers temporary pleasure, and then leaves me empty and craving for more. Laziness. Money. Career. Affirmation from others. Our children’s success. Food, alcohol, drugs. Sleep. The idols just keep coming off the assembly line. We may have a list of the “forbidden” words, and we may never say them. But are we actually lifting up and bearing God’s name in vain? How do we nasa his name in a fruitful, wholehearted, and sincere manner? Well, to risk sounding like a broken record (if you even know what that is!)... the third commandment can’t be separated from the rest of the surrounding verses. So, to know how to bear his name, read (and follow!) the rest of the commandments. Here are a few practical implications of bearing God’s name as it is seen through faithful obedience to the ten “words”. Set aside time each week to worship the God whose name you bear. Honor your parents, just as you would honor Yahweh, your heavenly Father. Be honest and show integrity in your relationships and financial stewardship. Be content with what God has given you. In other words, love God (with all your heart, soul, and mind) and love others (Matthew 22:37-40). What an incredible responsibility and privilege we have to nasa God’s name before others and reflect his character in every area of our lives. We carry his name wherever we go. And we are not alone in this adventure!  By: Hannah Rech, me'ushar (Hebrew: happy, contented)We recently studied the book of Job in our ladies' Bible study group. As I worked through Lydia Brownback’s study on Job and reflected on our discussions, the Lord continually brought me back to two truths.
First, the book of Job teaches us that the way we listen to and respond to our suffering family in Christ is very important. It can be difficult to tell whether someone is “suffering well” or if they are sinning in response to their suffering. We often try to see into the person’s mind and heart to diagnose the problem or determine if they are in the wrong somehow. There are many verses in the Bible that talk about God knowing our hearts. I think specifically of 1 Samuel 16:7 where God tells the prophet Samuel that God sees not as man sees. Humans tend to look only at the things they can visually comprehend - the outside of people (in this case, it may be their actions, words, or responses to the suffering). It can be all too easy for us to look at a fellow believer who is suffering and compare their response to the way we think the person should respond to suffering. Maybe we think they should be praising God even in the suffering, thanking God, speaking about the positive, or correcting their sinful thought patterns. It is good to remind each other of the ways we should be walking. However, we must also be aware that there is a time and a place for everything and that we may not see the whole picture of what is going on inside the individual’s heart. We see with limits. The Lord sees everything. Jumping to the conclusion that a suffering friend’s thinking needs to be ‘fixed,’ or that a sin must immediately be corrected, can lead to even more pain. That may not be what is most needed in the moment. Instead, we should pray, asking the Lord to give us the humility to say, “I don’t see the whole picture. Help me rest knowing that you will help my friend whether it is here and now through what I can do or later through what You alone can do.” The second thing to be reminded of is the comfort that comes from considering God’s work in both the good and the evil in the world. One of our discussion questions made me realize that I needed to better understand and verbalize how Christians reconcile a good God with bad experiences. The beginning of the book of Job can often be hard to study as it depicts the influence the devil holds in our world. A key that I found helpful to consider was realizing that God didn’t do the evil to Job, he allowed Satan to bring pain and hurt into Job’s life. Now, to an individual whose relationship with the Father has not been repaired by believing in Jesus’ atoning sacrifice and repenting of sin, this can be terrifying. But as a child of God, His power over Satan’s influence on our lives can actually show how truly good He is. He loves his children. He faithfully sustains His children through every trial He allows (1 Corinthians 10:13). If He allows it into our story, He has a purpose for it. Although we may not know the specific purpose (just as the ending of Job doesn’t clarify for Job the why of the hardships he experienced), we can know with certainty the primary purpose of the suffering - it is for our good and for His glory (Romans 8:28). Nothing that enters the life of a believer is outside of God’s sovereign care and purpose. He knows exactly what we are experiencing and how it is growing us and will shape us. Through every trial, He is eagerly showing His character to us, which in turn will bring us to humble worship of Him and deepen our relationship. Even if this growth and peace appear after the hard times. Here’s one encouragement: if you see a fellow believer suffering and it doesn’t look the way you think it should, stop. Pray. Ask God to give you patience and humility. Remind yourself that He and He only knows their heart. And if they are a genuine child of his, he will restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish them— whether it is through the words you speak, the actions you offer, or some other way at a time you may never have chosen or ever get to see (1 Peter 5:6-11). You can be there, you can offer wisdom, you can help them learn how to better please God, but ultimately, they may just need you to be patiently present, to listen well, and to put your hand over your mouth while trusting God’s great love and character to speak for itself when the time is right. Bear with one another in love (Ephesians 4:1-3). And one final encouragement that follows what I learned from our discussion of Job is this: It’s ok if your suffering looks “ugly”. Even so, God does not reject you if you tell Him with all your emotions that the suffering is hard, that you don’t enjoy the pain you’re going through or the path you’re on, that you don’t understand what He’s doing or what you will learn because of it. You are free to do all of these things because, after openly talking to your father, you can recall that he chose each hard, evil thing for a purpose and He will comfort you, whether here on earth through knowledge of Him, His power, His plan of salvation, and His love for you, or someday in the new Jerusalem when He will have finished the work He started in you, one trial at a time.  You haven’t spoken with your best friend in several months because of a disagreement. Things at home feel tense after another argument with your spouse about how to handle discipline. Words were said in anger—words you can’t take back. Something needs to change. At some point, most relationships bring us to that place. When we recognize the need to repair what has been broken, we use the simplest and hardest words: I’m sorry. So let’s look at a few common ways we may apologize. I’m sorry, but I was really tired. My bad. I guess I messed up. I’m sorry if you felt insulted, I was only joking. I hope you realize that these are examples of how not to apologize! They do not demonstrate sincere, godly sorrow. If we say “I’m sorry, but….” we are adding an excuse that shows we really don’t feel we should be accountable for what we did or said. Saying “I’m sorry if…” means we aren’t really sure that we did something wrong. “My bad” may be appropriate for a minor, unintentional error. But when there is a serious problem to address, saying “My bad” makes the issue seem minimal, as if we just made a silly mistake. When we need to repair a relationship, phrases like these can come across as dismissive. They don’t truly acknowledge any wrongdoing on our part. They also show lack of desire to do the hard work to repair the relationship through sincere, lasting change. Lasting change is prompted by godly sorrow. In his letter to the Corinthians, Paul explains what godly sorrow looks like. As it is, I rejoice, not because you were grieved, but because you were grieved into repenting. For you felt a godly grief, so that you suffered no loss through us. For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death. For see what earnestness this godly grief has produced in you, but also what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what longing, what zeal, what punishment! At every point you have proved yourselves innocent in the matter. Godly sorrow leads to repentance. Repentance means we have had a change of mind or heart regarding our motives, thoughts, words, or actions. We recognize that we did something wrong and it distresses us. We aren’t upset only because the relationship has been affected, but we are also grieved because we recognize we have sinned against God (Psalm 51:3-4).
In addition, godly sorrow will produce earnestness and eagerness to make things right again. An apology driven by godly sorrow will express a heartfelt anguish for what we have done. It will clearly and directly state what the wrong was, and why it was wrong. We will humbly ask for forgiveness and explain how we would like to make it right. In the Mosaic law, when someone was making restitution for a wrongdoing, in some cases they were required to offer reparations equal to 120% of the value of what was stolen, damaged, or lost. While we may not be able to calculate a monetary value to the damage caused to a relationship, we can use this a a principle when considering how to demonstrate our change of heart. Based on these principles, here are some examples of apologies that show true godly sorrow and a change of heart: I’m so sorry, I was wrong when I made that comment. I know that was hurtful and I was being selfish. What can I do to make it right? Yesterday, I was really tired, but that is no excuse. I should not have snapped at you and should have been more patient. I am sorry for the way I treated you. Will you pray with me to ask God to help me be more patient? So before we say “I’m sorry,” we need to pray and ask God to show us how our motives and sinful desires prompted us to act or speak the way we did. And then we will confess that to the person we have wronged. True repentance will include a desire and a concrete plan for doing better in the future. Repentance and godly sorrow will lead us to be transparent and may leave us vulnerable, but it can lead to renewed trust and strengthen the relationship. See also: Words Matter  According to my focus group (my adult children and their friends), a blog on Christian dating would be helpful. So here I am — removed from the dating scene for almost thirty years — hoping to impart some meaningful, biblical wisdom to the younger generation.
As I started thinking about the advice I was given back in the olden days (the 1990s), I realized much of it either:
Yeah. Let’s not go there. So what does the Bible tell us about dating? Well, apparently you should go to the nearest well and wait for someone who is willing to give you a drink and water your livestock. Also, before saying your wedding vows, double-check who is under the veil so you don’t marry the wrong sister. Okay, that may not be helpful either. The reality is that the Bible does not give us a step-by-step guide for dating. What Scripture does give us are principles about wisdom, holiness, self-control, love, and spiritual maturity. And those principles are probably more helpful than a rigid formula anyway. So what is the goal of dating as a Christian? I would suggest that the goal is to develop a relationship with the intention of discerning whether you want to pursue a lifelong marriage covenant together. That means Christian dating should be intentional, honest, and grounded in wisdom — not casual and directionless, but also not so intense that asking someone to coffee feels like a marriage proposal. Here are some general biblical principles that may help you navigate life as a single Christian who desires be married. Make your relationship with God your first priority. (Matthew 22:37)No matter what your relationship status is, this is always the first priority. Read and study Scripture regularly. Pray often. Stay connected to a healthy Christian community. Grow spiritually because you love Christ — not merely because you are trying to become “marriage material.” A dating relationship can be a wonderful gift, but it makes a terrible savior. Also, if your entire emotional stability collapses because someone took six hours to reply to your text message, that may be a sign that your heart needs a firmer foundation. Find a godly mentor. (Proverbs 15:22) Find a mature, married Christian who can help you apply biblical wisdom to your unique circumstances. Read Scripture together. Read a book on dating or marriage together. Ask questions. Let someone speak truth into your life. And if you are dating someone, spend time together with other mature Christians occasionally. There may be problems that are obvious to others. Two excellent books you could consider reading with a mentor are Marry Wisely, Marry Well by Ernie Baker and Holding Hands, Holding Hearts by Richard and Sharon Phillips. Maintain open and direct communication. (Ephesians 4:15, 25, 29) If you are in a relationship, speak honestly and humbly. If you are interested, communicate clearly. If concerns are developing, address them graciously. And if you are beginning to realize there are significant obstacles in the relationship, it is usually kinder to address those concerns early rather than slowly drifting into confusion and frustration. Truth spoken with grace is uncomfortable, but necessary. Physical boundaries matter. (1 Thessalonians 4:3-5) Keep at least four feet between you at all times and never be alone for more than one minute. Physical intimacy should be limited to looking into each other’s eyes deeply. …Just kidding. Although you may think this is not an area of temptation for you, it is still worth being intentional. Physical involvement tends to move relationships faster than either person realizes, and it can create emotional confusion or unnecessary regret. I know this from experience. This is one area that should be discussed early in a relationship, not after things have already become complicated. Talk together about what wisdom, honor, and self-control look like for both of you. You do not need to turn this into a legalistic rulebook with a detailed flowchart for every possible scenario. That is not the goal. But it is wise to have some shared understanding and to involve accountability. Consider sharing your convictions with trusted friends or family who can help you stay focused and honest. A simple starting point many couples find helpful is this: If you would not feel comfortable doing something in front of others, it is probably not something you should be doing alone. No one is perfect. (Romans 3:23) There is no such thing as Mr. Right, Prince Charming, or a soul-mate in the fairy-tale sense. Because he is a sinner. Oh—and guess what? So are you. It is wise to view the other person with a balanced perspective. He will not be perfect, so abundant grace and forgiveness will be needed in any godly relationship. At the same time, wisdom also pays attention. Character matters. Habits matter. Patterns matter. There are qualities that reflect normal human weakness—and there are patterns that may be genuine red flags worth taking seriously. Grace and discernment are not opposites. In fact, they are both necessary if you are going to pursue a relationship that is grounded in truth rather than fantasy. Make God the priority in the relationship. (1 Corinthians 10:31) Wait a minute… didn’t we already talk about that? Yep. Just as your relationship with God is the first priority when you are single, it is also the first priority when you are dating. Or engaged. Or married. Or breathing. Your boyfriend, fiancé, or spouse cannot be the center of your life. God is the center of your life. When you try to place another person in that position, the relationship will eventually develop cracks. This principle also applies beyond dating. It is easy for anyone to unintentionally reorder priorities — for example, parents placing children above God and above their marriage. Good and beautiful relationships become idols when they take the place that belongs to God alone. When God is first, everything else is put in its proper place. At the end of the day, Christian dating is not about finding a flawless person who completes you in every way (after all, we aren’t Disney princesses). It is about discerning, with wisdom and humility, whether you will commit to walk faithfully with another imperfect person toward a shared life of following Christ. There will be no perfect system or guaranteed formula. There will, however, be Scripture, the Holy Spirit, wise counsel, honest communication, and a lot of grace. And probably some awkward conversations along the way. But that is okay. Because God is not only interested in who you end up marrying—He is also deeply interested in who you are becoming in the process.  The following devotional is intentionally written by a fictitious character to illustrate common missteps in Christian resources. It is not an endorsement of these ideas, but a tool to help you practice discernment. As you read, look for ideas that don’t seem “quite right” or have weak biblical support. Fight the Spirits by Quill Meanwell There are seasons when we can’t seem to break the cycle of anger or hostility that hovers in our areas of influence. Are you frequently arguing with family, friends, or coworkers? Are your kids (especially teenagers) being difficult or disobedient? You may be at a loss to explain why these issues are recurring in your life. You have been praying, attending church, and serving faithfully, but you are still on edge. Peace and harmony seem out of reach. As we seek to understand what is happening, we can look to the Bible for answers to these difficult circumstances. Peter told his readers to be on alert for the devil’s tactics (1 Peter 5:8). There are negative and malicious spiritual entities that slowly creep into our lives and wreak havoc. These demonic messengers include territorial spirits and oppressive spirits. An angel was sent in response to Daniel’s prayer. This heavenly messenger was delayed for a time because he was hindered by the “prince of Persia” (Daniel 10:13). This was a territorial spirit that fought the angel to prevent Daniel from being comforted by receiving an answer to his prayer. The other type of spirits, oppressive spirits, work specifically against the five offices mentioned in Ephesians 4:11-16. They will weigh down your spirit and cause unwanted emotions like anger, hostility, pride, lust, and disobedience. But we do not need to fear these spirits or cower in defeat before them. We have powerful spiritual weapons to wage war against these prowling malevolent influences! Walk through your home or workplace and use the weapon of prayer. Name and rebuke the territorial spirits. Then pray the pieces of the armor to create a spiritual barrier around the place. For any oppressive spirits that are affecting your emotions, you can follow similar steps. Name the specific spirit and rebuke it while holding your Bible. If you have determined that a spirit is influencing another person, hold their picture on your Bible. Through prayer you can form a spiritual hedge of protection around yourself or the other person (Job 1:10). There is no need to live in spiritual tension. Use your God-given weapons to fight! Quill Meanwell’s devotional teaches us the steps we need to fight against spirits and demons. According to Quill, we can just identify the spirit, rebuke it, and make a spiritual barrier to be safe from those wicked spirits! These are similar steps that many spiritual warfare proponents confidently tell us what to do to get rid of territorial or oppressive spirits. Let’s find out if Quill leads us astray by examining the context of the verses mentioned as support for this spiritual warfare plan.
First Quill uses 1 Peter 5:8 to imply that demonic spirits are the cause of the problem. When we read all of chapter 5, we see that Peter is giving instructions to the leaders of the church. He encourages them to serve their flock. He reminds them to be alert because the devil is looking for ways to devour, but he does not mention any specific types of spirits. He also does not explain that the devil, or malicious spirits, are the cause of their suffering. This context does not support Quill’s theory that conflict and negative emotions are directly caused by evil spirits. Quill then talks about the angel and the spirit in Daniel 10:13 to illustrate an example of a so-called territorial spirit. From the brief mention of “the prince of Persia”, Quill (and others) have taken this to mean that every region has its own ruling spirit. Claiming that our homes and workplaces may be inhabited by specific spirits stretches the application of this Scripture passage beyond its intended purpose. Next we are led to believe that oppressive spirits exist to fight against the “five offices” mentioned in Ephesians 4:11-16. Ephesians 4 talks about the unity and maturity of the church. Christ has given these five leadership positions for the church, so they can guide and strengthen the church. Ironically, the passage tells us that, as we grow in unity, we will discern if we are being deceived by false teachers. Paul is warning us to be wary of people who promote cunning ideas —like Quill! It is interesting to note that Quill neglects to mention a passage that specifically talks about anger, hostility, and other relational problems. James 4:1-10 identifies our own motives, passions, and covetousness that are responsible for our conflicts. James tells us to submit to God, before he mentions resisting the devil. And then he tells us that we need to be humble and repentant. We are not told to rebuke spirits, we are entreated to mourn our sins and change our ways. Nothing in Scripture commands us to pray hedges of protection into existence. Because the Holy Spirit dwells in us, we do not need to fear being controlled by evil spirits. When we are troubled by conflicts, we can look to Christ, who is the perfect example of how our lives should reflect the attributes of the gospel armor. *If you are struggling with anger, hostility, pride, lust, or difficult relationships, it can be helpful to speak to a biblical counselor. The Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC) has counselors who have gone through a rigorous training process and can meet with you to help. Biblical counseling is not a therapeutic, clinically based treatment process. Through customized discipleship sessions, we use gospel-centered, Scripture saturated encouragement and teaching to help you grow more like Christ! For more information about biblical counseling, email us at [email protected]. See also: Devoted Dorcas Series  The following devotional is intentionally written by a fictional character to illustrate common missteps in Bible study. Before you dive into Quill’s devotional, read Ephesians 6:10-18 to compare what Quill says with what the passage says. Also note how Quill uses other Bible references to support the suggestions given. As you use your discernment “muscles”, see if you can spot how Quill misinterprets and stretches Scripture to help people overcome negative feelings. Armor Defense by Quill Meanwell Have you been overwhelmed with a sense of darkness or discouragement? Can you feel the weight of oppression pushing you down? These are common struggles for Christians. But we don’t need to despair! Ephesians 6:10-18 gives us the tools we need to surround ourselves with the protective presence of God. There have been many authors and teachers who have thoroughly explained the meaning of each piece of armor. But the armor pieces don’t help us if we don’t actually put them on! The good news is you can use simple, practical techniques to apply all the spiritual armor pieces. Then you can experience complete protection from discouraging or oppressive moods. The first line of defense is prayer. In the Lord’s Prayer, we are taught to pray for our daily bread and to be delivered from the evil one. And the final piece of armor mentioned in Ephesians 6 is prayer. So as we pray each day, we can also pray to put on the shield, helmet, shoes, breastplate, belt, and sword! Picture what each piece looks like and imagine yourself putting them on for spiritual protection. After you pray these on, you are covered from head to toe — literally! We can also use the spiritual armor to pray for protection over family members. Just like Job offered sacrifice for his children in case they had sinned, we can also cover our loved ones with divine defense! Pray through each piece, saying the name of the person you want to protect. Your prayers can be accompanied by physical reminders of the armor. The Israelites were told in Deuteronomy 6 to apply God's word to their wrists, gates, and doorposts. In the same way, you can attach the pieces of armor to your mirror, walls, or doors. I have included a graphic that you can reproduce to create a physical barrier between any evil influence and the people in those spaces. There are many other places you can apply this token of protection - vehicles, cell phones, desks. And of course, you can put them in your pocket, hat, or the bottom of your shoe for intimate spiritual defense. Along with using this graphic, you can write out the text of Ephesians 6:10-18. Just as Jesus used the word of God to fight the devil in his wilderness temptation, you can use the words of these verses in your battle against oppressive moods. It is best to hand write the words, so that you are personally activating the power behind the words. So when you are discouraged and feel the weight of darkness pressing in, take heart! You have an incredible tool box of weapons you can use to fight against the evil one. Quill means well (yeah, pun intended) by offering practical tips for those who are struggling with discouragement or other negative feelings. Scripture does give us hope and help for all circumstances. But sadly, Quill drifts from careful interpretation of Scripture and misapplies several passages.
Quill combines Lord’s Prayer and the reference to Job as prooftexts for praying each item of the armor for protection against negative feelings or oppressive moods. Quill implies we must pray to put on these items for protection, making believers feel vulnerable if they haven’t followed these instructions. Another passage Quill misapplies is Deuteronomy 6. Moses did not give these instructions to suggest that the Israelites use God’s word to create physical barriers for protection. Yet, the devotional says we need to physically attach the visually impressive graphic to everyday objects. Quill takes the armor analogy and turns it into a literal talisman to rely on for protection. Maybe Quill should have suggested we add some garlic and rabbits’ feet for extra assurance! Quill also suggests that as we write the words from Ephesians 6, we will be activating the power behind those words. This is another common technique that subtly distorts God’s word. Our physical act of writing out God’s word does not create the ability to fight evil spirits or negative moods. These and similar superstitious activities can cause us to place our confidence in what we can do to ward off evil. God’s power is not a supernatural force that we need to access or activate through our actions. When Paul's letter to the Ephesians, we see that chapter 6 is the conclusion to everything he has said. He has already reminded the church in Ephesus of the gospel and its implications for their relationship with God and with each other. The armor imagery describes the spiritual realities that believers already enjoy in Christ. Believers may experience negative emotions. But we need not fear being overcome by evil spiritual forces. WeWhen we struggle with despair or discouragement, we can turn to God in prayer. Our hope isn’t in what words we use or creating the correct imagery in our minds. We can ask God for his help and strength, and give thanks because we have already been given truth, righteousness, peace, salvation, and faith. The gospel armor is ours in abundance because of Christ’s atoning sacrifice on the cross. At the moment we believed, we received all of these as a package deal — they are not special add ons that we need to claim. We stand firm because of who God is and what he has done for us. Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places. Ephesians 1:3 *If you are discouraged, depressed, or anxious, please reach out to someone! Talk to a trusted sister in Christ, your pastor, or email us at [email protected]. You are not alone, God has placed us in a community of believers for mutual strength and encouragement. See also: Cookie Crumb Prayers  This is the plan, Yahweh said
I don’t like this, I pouted So I ran from God Angry, anguished, anxious My desires blinded me Bitterness covered with empty pleasures Comfort, control, cravings My idols promised security I became what I worshiped God brought the storm Severe mercies plunged me to the depths Yahweh opened my eyes Doubt, defiance, despair Washed away by trust Undeserved grace wrapped me in love Patient, present, pursuing Hesed* never ending Yahweh brought me back *Hesed: the Hebrew word for the steadfast, loyal, covenantal love of God See also: The Temple, In the Middle of Suffering |
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